What Our Kids Need More Than Rules with Bridget KerMorris: Ep 21
Highlights from the episode:
Why “don’t take it personally” misses the point
Grounding tech rules in family values
The power of curiosity over control
Bridget’s four pillars for Steady + Connected parenting
Finding joy in the middle school years
Podcast show notes:
If you’ve ever heard “just survive the middle school years,” this conversation will make you rethink that advice. Bridget KerMorris is a parent coach and relational therapist who believes these middle years can actually strengthen connections, as long as we learn how to listen differently.
She walks us through her Steady + Connected Parenting framework and shares simple, science-based ways to stay grounded when kids start pushing for independence. From screen-time battles to those late-night heart-to-hearts, Bridget offers language that helps parents move from fear to steadiness.
What You’ll Hear in This Episode:
The myth of disconnection in middle school (00:00)
How parents’ own fears shape their rules (05:45)
Repairing relationships in both directions (10:30)
Bedtime as a window into their inner world (14:14)
Anchoring tech rules in family values (26:05)
Being compassionate with ourselves as parents (57:05)
Bridget’s reminder is simple but powerful: connection doesn’t disappear when kids grow up. It just changes shape. This episode is a gentle nudge to stay curious, stay steady, and trust that calm is the most contagious thing we can bring into a room.
Check out more from Bridget KerMorris
You can follow Bridget on Instagram: @bridget.parentcoach.
On her website, grab her Freebie 50 Ways I'm Staying Close to My Middle Schooler.
Discover her course Middle School Tech Safety ToolKit, how you'll keep your middle schooler safe online without checking their devices.
Be sure to subscribe to Things No One Tells You—Lindsay’s podcast all about the real, unfiltered conversations we don’t always have but should. From big names to everyday voices, each episode dives into the moments that shape us. Listen wherever you get your podcasts!
Follow along with Lindsay below!
Full Transcript
[00:00:00] Lindsay: Bridget, what is the thing that no one tells you about? Being a middle school parent?
[00:00:06] Bridget: We're not told how much our kids want to be connected to us. I think what we're told is that it's gonna be hard to make these decisions. You're gonna be fighting them with tech every day, and they're gonna wanna just be with their friends all the time.
[00:00:18] and that stuff can happen, but they really love us and they really wanna be connected. And it's almost, you know, when we look at attachment science, it feels like an emergency to them when they are not connected with us. And so, gosh, like what an opportunity we have here. I just look at the middle school years, and I see so much opportunity, and that's the message.
[00:00:40] Lindsay: Hey guys, and welcome to this episode of Things No One Tells You TNOTY, which hopefully you know by now. But I really appreciate you tuning in this time, whether you're watching or you're listening, because I'm gonna tell you that today's episode was a bit of a game-changer for me. So. If you do or if you don't have middle schoolers in your house, I really believe that there is something you can take from this conversation because Bridgette KerMorris is my guest.
[00:01:07] She's basically a parent coach, specifically of the middle school age parent, but also, she's a relational therapist. She's a lawyer by trade. She created this framework, which is based on the thought of steady but connected. And her whole mission is to help parents who are parenting middle schoolers understand how to use certain tips to stay really connected to their kids.
[00:01:33] And as a parent of a middle schooler, I constantly feel like I'm failing. I love this age because I just think there is so much. The discovery, fun, and growth that our kids are having. But I'm just gonna be honest, it's terrifying to me because I wanna hold on with every single piece of my energy to not let my son grow up.
[00:01:56] But I want him to grow up. But it's like, I want him to stay close and to be able to talk to me. And there are a lot of things that I have questions about, including what to do with the after-school time. When do you make them focus specifically on their activities? How do you make sure that they still wanna come to you in the future?
[00:02:12] What do you do about screen time anyway, Bridget? I found her because she started popping up in my Instagram feed, and Bridget puts that on Instagram. Little notes, little sayings, thoughts, and tools that you can use, and you swipe through, and she'll say, You know, five things that you can work with your middle schooler on when it comes to tech, or whatever it is.
[00:02:34] And I just found myself being glued to these because I was like, Ooh, this makes so much sense. And. At the same time, she appeared on the Today Show, and I was like, Oh, this is really a coincidence because my husband ended up sending me her information, and I was like, I'm already really into what this woman's doing, so I wanna get right to it.
[00:02:52] I appreciate all of you that have sent in questions that we used in this conversation, and I hope this conversation is one that isn't limited to being right here and now, but one that we can keep maybe coming back to in this community because, one of the things that I have learned, and I certainly learned more through this conversation is when we are all able to be connected and open and vulnerable, there is a relatability that happens that brings us all closer.
[00:03:15] And when we can share experiences, I think it benefits everyone. So listen closely. I would love to know if you relate to this. Here is Bridgette Kor, Bridget Kor. Thank you so much for joining me. I do wanna say, I felt like, when I checked my Instagram today, and I saw that you had put up five tech check-ins with your middle schooler.
[00:03:35] I felt like you had an A USB to my brain. I'm just so excited to talk to you, and I know that there are a lot of folks listening and watching that, who are on the same boat that might have middle schoolers, and you're a wealth of knowledge. I would love to just start and find out how you get into this type of work.
[00:03:53] Why is this the thing that grabs you so much?
[00:03:57] Bridget: I mean, there's the basics. Like, I have seven kids, which is a lot. So I'm in this middle school. I'm in this middle space for a really long time. Yeah. You have four middle schoolers, right? Or you've had four? I've had four. Som. Raising my fourth middle schooler now.
[00:04:12] So this is the fourth time I've had a kid; my son went into middle school in August, so I'm doing this for the fourth time. I really leaned into it because I saw that people were worried, and I just knew that there were solutions. Like I knew that there were things that parents could do to help make their middle schoolers safer, to keep them better connected.
[00:04:35] I'm a relational therapist. I'm a lawyer by training, so I just have a kind of curious problem-solving brain. Yeah. So I was just like, okay, let's just bring this all together and figure it out. Like a structure. 'Cause for me, a framework is really helpful. So that's, I came up with something called the Steady Plus Connected Parenting Framework. And it has four pillars, and it really addresses a lot of what I saw lacking in the parenting space. Also, the middle years are not talked about a lot. We kind of talked about the littler kid, and we talked about the teenagers. Often, middle schoolers get lumped with teenagers, and I don't think that's helpful.
[00:05:09] Lindsay: Well, because they're so different. Right? I mean, my son is 11, and it's like you have this child who is feeling independent, wants independence, but still. It's very much, you know, wanting that attention too. So I think it's such an interesting juxtaposition for them at this age. What are those four pillars?
[00:05:29] Bridget: Yes, so it starts with what I call the update method. And so this is what I haven't seen in a lot of places. It's where you really figure out,l ike, what's coming up for you as your kiddos are entering middle school. Oh, that's scary. So there that's so much virtual in, there's so much like, did you say that's scary?
[00:05:45] I did. I did. Oh, yes, but we can't, yeah. If we don't figure out what's coming up for us and we're not really honest about it, then that's gonna be a barrier to connection between us and our kids. Because so much of like, should I get my kid a phone? Should I not, what kind of restrictions should I put on it?
[00:06:03] It's parental anxiety, and I have so much compassion for parents. It's so much. I mean, I've been in this space myself as a parent for so long. Yeah. That is what's gonna keep you from being connected with your kid, and unfortunately, that's going to keep them less safe in the world. And so it's like, what are my fears?
[00:06:20] What are the things I'm excited about? Even like, just like understanding your internal world. That's kind of step one. So it doesn't even have to do with your kid. And then step two, I call it a RE Parenting. It's accessible, responsive, and engaged parenting. And this is a way of. I think probably a lot of people know about attachment research now.
[00:06:40] Like this is the attunement, is what we call it, like how you can stay attuned to your kid, and it shifts as they're going into middle school. And so I found that middle school parents really needed a way to figure out, like, how can I connect to them now that they're. Growing up, they have different interests, and they're becoming more independent.
[00:06:57] The third pillar is called repair, both ways, and this is a bit different. A lot of parents have heard about repair. I love the parenting experts who have been in the public discourse for years, talking about how important repair is. Something that I found that just wasn't talked about is how your kid can repair with you when they cross the boundaries.
[00:07:14] So yes, like we repair with our kids when we say something as out of pocket, as my teens would say, or something unkind, or do something if we cross one of their boundaries. But if they say, like, sneak their phone when the family rules don't, like, how can we help them with that relational skill of repair?
[00:07:34] Because middle school is a training ground for relationships. Yeah. In the future. So it's like, let's start here and let them know. And to me, I could look different in different families. It's not like your kid having to be like, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, blah, blah, blah. It's more like, hey, like how can you take responsibility for the fact that you crossed that boundary, you broke this rule?
[00:07:54] because we need to have that. And, parents are really relieved to hear that because parents do want a parent in a gentler way, but they don't wanna be permissive. And so I think this strikes a really great balance, and it's all about rooting, anchoring your family values, but the rules that you make, they're anchored, and what's important to your family.
[00:08:16] and then the last pillar, I call it curious relational parenting. And this really helps your kid become curious about their own internal world. So we kinda started with the parents becoming curious about their own internal world. And then we wanna start laying the foundation for kids to really understand, 'cause this is the magic, Lindsay, this is where it's like.
[00:08:35] Your kid is on a device for a long time, and you're thinking that can't feel good for them, but they don't really know how to, like, check in with themselves. And so Yeah. And you're getting the dopamine hit. Absolutely. And so I think parents get really scared, and we try to lecture a lot. I am a former lawyer.
[00:08:51] I lectured a lot, so I have so much compassion for that. But this is where, instead of lecturing, like, hey, studies say this and that. I mean, I definitely share that with my kids, and talk about how they're, you know, the algorithms trying to keep them hooked and things like that. But I'm also just like, Hey, how does that feel?
[00:09:08] And the same with friendships and things like that. Like, how are you feeling about that? And there's no right answer. It's just, and sometimes they're like, I don't know. And that's information. Right.
[00:09:16] Lindsay: So, as you were talking about when they sort of regulate themselves, it's interesting that just last night we had a situation where.
[00:09:24] My son pushed his sister; it happened. And, but he has been, that is, that goes against a family rule. And he actually was upset and brought it to my attention. He said, I am really mad with myself because I know I'm not supposed to do that. And, when he said that, in my mind, I'm thinking, I believe you. I believe you.
[00:09:47] But it is a very likable, observant thing to be feeling, right? So, I was sort of taken aback because I was like, okay, so at this moment, I don't know what to say. I'm saying I think that's great, and I'm thankful that you recognize that you're right. You shouldn't have done that. And then that's where my wheels sort of fall off sometimes because I am like, and then what do you do?
[00:10:10] You sort of go for the, I understand and thank you, and then you're done. Or it, you know, like what is the teachable moment there type thing, if that makes sense.
[00:10:19] Bridget: It does. Oh, Lindsay, first of all, that's such a lovely story. Like, I love that your kiddo was like, I mean, it started with a bad event, but like, yes, you're already doing curious relational parenting, that's what that is.
[00:10:30] Recognizing that, I think what we would say, and I'm sure you did this, as first you kind of attend to your daughter, make sure she's okay. It probably was just, she's fine. But, but yeah, when your son is coming to you and being like, I'm mad at myself. Yeah. I'm willing to share that with you, 'cause otherwise he's just keeping that really hard feeling in.
[00:10:50] And then I would suggest Lindsay, like, revisiting it later. Like, you could do it today, you could do it tomorrow, but being like, what was that like for you? What did you expect me to say? Even though we can get a lot of good feedback from our kids. Good voting. Yeah. Is there, you know, and even like.
[00:11:10] In that moment before you pushed your sister, like, do you remember what was going on? And he might be like, I have no idea. But that's a really cool opportunity to figure out, like, oh yeah, he was getting really overwhelmed. Or she took something that was like whatever it was. And so it's like, whoa. Then this is a moment.
[00:11:27] And again, it's like in a calm moment when you're gonna talk to him and help him, almost like a workshop, like what happened? And, but it's like low stakes, right? Because he might be like, I have no idea. I don't know. And it's like, okay, well, this is just something to get curious about. But he already started it by realizing how Maddy was in herself, him himself.
[00:11:46] Lindsay: Which was interesting because, you know, and I have found, and actually some of my friends that knew I was talking to you asked me specifically, could you please just find out suggestions from an expert about the time when we should, you know, when we might have success, getting them to engage in conversation with all the activities with school.
[00:12:06] And I will find last night that happened at bedtime, and a lot of times bedtime is where, you know, they will share. And that's great. That's fine. I'm here for it. But I do, as you're talking about some of those things, I'm. You know, oftentimes if I have friends who will say, Oh, we, I talk about this.
[00:12:24] And I, in my mind, I'm like, well, when are you doing that? Because it's the car ride home? Is it, you know, 'cause there are times when I'm asking and it's like, I'm good.
[00:12:36] Bridget: Yeah, Right. Well, and you know, to your point, like you brought up last night, and he may be like, oh, that thing, like, you, ready for a deep conversation about it.
[00:12:46] yeah. So yes, kids bring up a lot of stuff at bedtime. So that, and definitely like the researchers out there like. You know, they're gonna be separated from you for a time. They kind of, it's almost like a, I think of it a little bit like in the Catholic church, a,s you go to, what is it? Confession, a little bit like they wanna go to sleep with a clean conscience, A clean conscience.
[00:13:07] Yeah. Yeah. Like kind of, which again, is like beautiful. Like these kids, they're such great kids, and they wanna do good things in the world, and it's confusing to them when they act out of line with their values, just like it is for us as adults. So I think that at bedtime, the most important thing is. I'm just gonna start with bedtime, then I'll talk about that.
[00:13:23] Sure, Yeah. Like at bedtime, the most important thing for them to know as their head hits the pillow is that they're so important to you that you like them and that they can always come to you when things are hard. So, something I say, and I, we can revisit this because I don't wanna get too much off from your initial right.
[00:13:38] I always, I say like, there are two questions that middle schoolers are asking all the time inside. They're asking, am I likable? And. Will people come back to me when I'm prickly or when things are hard? And so they're asking that of the world. So they're asking that to like their friends as they're going about their day.
[00:13:55] I mean, when you think about it, it's like, it's such an intense thing, but it makes sense from middle school because they're really trying to figure out who they are in the world, but the most important people they're asking to or their parents. And so if it can be, like, even when I push my sister, I know that my mom and dad still really like me now.
[00:14:14] 'cause love's a different thing, Lindsay, right? Like, okay. I think no matter what, they know that, yeah, you love them, like you're providing for them. You would do anything for them, but it feels different. And so, I would suggest that at nighttime, and again, like parents don't need to get it.
[00:14:29] Like, there can definitely be nights they go to bed where you're both frustrated at each other. But more times than not, if they can really feel like. My parents really like me, no matter what I do, and even when I like to yell at them or push them away, they're gonna come back. They're always gonna come back and like, check in and like, keep our bond strong.
[00:14:48] Like those are the questions that are really important.
[00:14:51] Lindsay: You know what's crazy is I think one of the toughest things to hear from someone is like, you know, and sometimes people in conversation, adults, I mean, we'll say like, I love you, I just don't like you right now. That's really hard. Like, I hate that.
[00:15:04] And it speaks to exactly what you're saying. There is something about the, like, so what would you say, like, do you think it's as simple as a phrase? Like, how do you sort of make sure that they know that before they go to bed? What type of phrase would you suggest? That may sound really in the weeds.
[00:15:24] Bridget: No, it's not at all. Lindsay. I think about this all the time, so no, not at all. It's not in the weeds. Well, and I do have my younger kids, not so much my middle schooler, but they are very frustrating at bedtime 'cause they've got really busy brains and they kind of rally each other up. And so I, for me, telling them that they're really important to me is a biggie. And so you're really important to me. You're a great kid. Like, sometimes it's as simple as that. And, I will let them know, like, I'm feeling frustrated right now and like that's for me to deal with, but I just need you guys to know. And sometimes I'll just be like. I have to take a breath.
[00:15:59] Like I have to, you know, leave the room for a minute or something like that. But you're really important to me. And so, sometimes I'll be like, I like you so much. Like, you're such a cool kid. Just like lean in, kinda like a lean in or something like that. Like, you're so cool. Like, how did I get so lucky?
[00:16:13] Things like th,t. which I know it's like, oh, maybe Bridgette can do that 'cause she's a therapist or something. But I mean, it's not, I think now it comes really naturally to me, but I mean, I used to, I'm a Stanford-trained lawyer. Like for years I was much more professional and cautious with my words, but.
[00:16:31] You just kind of try things, right? Yeah. Our kids, and this is where the part comes in, 'cause we need to check in with ourselves. 'cause especially middle schoolers, we can feel really, I was gonna say dumb, I don't know if that's the right word, but w, it, I feel very self-conscious sometimes around my middle schooler.
[00:16:47] 'cause in a lot of ways, Lindsay, my kids are much cooler than me. I mean, in almost all the ways, they're much cooler than I am. I also have a 15-year-old daughter. You're in it, they're very cool. And I feel a little embarrassed sometimes. So you kind of have to also check in with yourself and be like, I'm just gonna say like.
[00:17:05] You're so cool, or I like you so much, and they're like, oh,h mom. Or like, whatever they say, and you're like, this is just me, it's just your mom who says this kind of stuff,
[00:17:13] Lindsay: And then just leave it. Right.
[00:17:15] Bridget: I just would leave it.
[00:17:17] Lindsay: Get outta your own way kind of thing.
[00:17:19] Bridget: Yeah. Yeah, because I mean, I have a fifth grader.
[00:17:21] So, wait, your son's 11th, is he in sixth grade then? Sixth grade? For sure. Basketball. Okay. So I have a fifth grader. He's still in elementary school, but he and the kids are also different, and he is much more like, he doesn't like me to come to his class to read stories. Other of my kids have always wanted me to come, you know, they have like read a week and stuff like that.
[00:17:40] he very much, I, do like I stuff Wednesday folders for them, and he's like, I don't want you to say hi. I mean, like, it hurts, like it hurts my heart, but I'll say to him, You're such a cool kid. And I see that little smile. Like it's just, I don't know. Yeah. But I think with him, I'm giving him an example.
[00:17:58] I don't think he would mind, but it's like that. I could very easily be like, This kid just doesn't like me. Like, you know, I could get my feelings hurt with that. Me around. You're so right. This is a shift too that I hope is helpful, 'cause I'm just like, what's in integrity for me? Like what is, like therapists use this a lot, but we say like, what's in congruence?
[00:18:17] Like, how does our inside match our outside actions? Right. And so it's like, it's really important to me, like it's a value of mine that the people I love know that they're important to me and that I like them. So no matter what I get back from them, like. It is my, you know, it's in my value system, it's in integrity for me to let them know that.
[00:18:37] And so it can't be based on what I get back from them. And, but that does take a lot of internal work 'cause I do get my feelings hurt sometimes. Lindsay, this is something I think is helpful for middle school parents. A lot of people will give advice, and they'll say, Don't take it personally, whatever they say to you, don't take it personally.
[00:18:53] And I kind of turn that on its head. Or maybe I just like to turn it to the side 'cause I'm like, you can take it personally 'cause it hurts some of the stuff that middle schoolers say to us, or any kids sucks. It hurts. You can take it personally, but don't take it too seriously. That's what it's like, it's like the wind blowing in and out.
[00:19:10] And so when my kids like, this is my fifth grader, though, not quite a middle schooler, but I kind of put that in that middle age when he's like, Mom, you cannot sign up to be a secret reader or whatever. That hurts my feelings, but I'm also like, I don't know, I, then the next day he's like holding my hand as we cross the street, and like, or like making ice cream sundaes with me.
[00:19:33] I mean, and then we're having a good time, right? So I'm like,
[00:19:36] Lindsay: So from your expert experience, what is it? You just take those moments as much as you can, so that they're like holding the hand that they're doing those things, and then those other things. Just know everyone is in that same boat, and it feels hard. It just does not feel good.
[00:19:53] Bridget: It just hurts. And you can't protect. Like, I just don't like the advice about, don't take it personally because I never, ever wanna negate, Person, like a parent's experience, because, and I feel like, unfortunately,y like a lot of parenting advice out there, which, I, stand on the shoulders of giants.
[00:20:10] Like, I think they're doing wonderful work, but I think the parent experience is really not talked about enough. Like, if we look like a pyramid, Lindsay, there's like, yeah, like parenting tips and tricks at the top. Great. When in a pinch, right? There's a lot of talk in the middle, so much talk about like, if you say this, your kid's gonna feel this way.
[00:20:29] Like the kid's experience, really, important. That's modern parenting. But I think at the base, it's like, what is your experience parenting this child? Because I think you should enjoy it. Like, I think it should be fun. Nothing's gonna be fun all the time. But that is what makes me really sad when it's like I'm just gonna need to kinda white knuckle it these years.
[00:20:49] I only need to focus on how my kid's feeling. Like, how does this, how does me, how does this interaction feel for my kid? Well. I guess, I don't know, maybe I'm kind of stubborn, Lindsay. I don't know. But I'm like, how does it feel for me? Like I want, and again, I'm like in it for so long, but I'm like, I wanna, like, I'm a human too.
[00:21:05] I'm important too. I mean, I do for my kids, there's a power. Right? Right, right. But I'm also like, my kids can tell if I'm not enjoying it as well. And that's where the likability comes in. So to me it's really important. And so I can't pretend like those things don't hurt. I don't say that to my kid.
[00:21:23] Like I have resources, I have like my husband and my friends and, you know, if you go see a therapist or a coach, like whatever. Yeah. Like, but it's like, don't pretend like. Like, that's like no biggie to you. This is an important person to you; your kid is an important person. So when they say something hurtful, it's like, ouch.
[00:21:40] Like, give yourself a little bit of love there. But again, don't, it's like the negativity bias. Like, don't put too much, don't overemphasize those negative moments, and then forget about the handhold and the ice cream.
[00:21:51] Lindsay: Yeah. And I think, to your point about parents realizing like where they are in all of this and how this is impacting them, you know, it's everyone coming from such different backgrounds.
[00:22:02] Like that's gotta really play a role in it too. It's like it, you know, and I don't even know what I'm really getting at, but it's like, yeah, like, you know, 'cause it's, at some points I'm like, oh, if I really sat down, like the whole concept of time, is something that just really gets me. And I don't, maybe it's because I'm more of an empath.
[00:22:20] It's just, you know, I could cry at the drop of a hat when a Folger's commercial comes on. Like any of that stuff that's like. Oh, when you were babies and now you're growing. It's like, that is the death of me. You know, like give me any sort of end-of-year thing that is like looking back, and I'm toast.
[00:22:37] Like I've told my son, I'm like, I don't know if I can go to your college drop off. And I'm kidding. I know that's horrible parenting. Of course, I'll be there. But my point with that is just that, yeah, like that, I think, so for me it's like you have to, I like the thought of there's a different way to look at this because they're really becoming these really exciting, interesting people.
[00:23:01] They're getting a lot more streamlined, maybe, and exploring to your, so those are two different things, but I think it's very cool this age and I think that, yeah.
[00:23:12] Bridget: Can I say one thing, Lindsay, please? Yeah. Based on what you shared about saying to your son, like, I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to drop you off at college.
[00:23:18] I think that it's so dear, and I think that he needs, like you could tell him that or not tell him that, but he also needs to get to know you as a person. Like, these are really fun years. Yeah. Because you can,, like let your guard down a bit. Like I don't, the parents that I work with and who seem to follow me on my page or like the best parents in the world, like, so like in tune with their kids, and like wanna do the best, and it's like your kids also like want to know you.
[00:23:44] And so I think it's so cool that your son can be like, Oh my gosh, my mom is like obsessed with me. Like, it's just like she can't even think about dropping me off at college. You know? It's like, how cute is that? And also, like, he knows, like his mom, this is very tender and has a tender heart and stuff like that.
[00:24:01] And like, oh, that's mom. Like when we think about it, I love the middle school years 'cause it's like a training ground for adulthood, and I talked about it like they're training them, like helping them with relationships. But like you wanna have a relationship with your kid as an adult too. Yeah. And I often see that.
[00:24:17] It's like a lot of stuff parents are doing now is just setting, maybe setting them up a bit to have somewhat of a difficult adult relationship. And I hope, you know, people can figure it out, but it's like, no, like you've got a lot of runway with this kid, and they really, love their parents, like middle schoolers, no matter how they're acting, like they're really curious about their parents and really wanna know them.
[00:24:39] So anyways, that was kind of a long way to say, but I just thought like, that's so cool that your son knows, he's like so important to you, right? That you're literally like, I don't even know how I would do this.
[00:24:49] Lindsay: Thank you. I also think so, so one question that a friend of mine brought up, I was like, Ooh, that is really good.
[00:24:56] I think about that a lot, how important do you think it is to be a united front? And that sounds like a really common-sense question, but with your husband, and I suspect, you know, maybe, sure. There are things that I think most people who are in a relationship like that, parenting would think that yes, it is best for us to be on the same page, but I do think that sometimes it's just not, sometimes that's not the case.
[00:25:19] And whether it's that you're sort of disagreeing about how to manage something, whatever that looks like for the child. What do you think is best when it comes to those types of scenarios?
[00:25:30] Bridget: That's a really great question. I think that the most important thing is for kids to see parents, and this is whether parents are still married or whether they're separated, or to see parents be respectful to each other.
[00:25:44] And so part of being in real, like again. You have a real relationship with your kid, and you and your spouse have a real relationship. And so this, I think it would be weird if you never disagreed with your spouse. If you guys always, I guess, I don't know. That seems like a little step for wife-ish to be like, and I know that you're saying, Lindsay, but like your father and I have decided, you know what I mean?
[00:26:06] It seems like a little, yeah, little bit like that. But I get what your friend is asking, and I think it's a great question. I do think a lot of stuff should be talked about once the kids are in bed or something, you know, like talked about, like separately. I don't think you need to be like a. Talking with your spouse and disagreeing in front of your kid about like, whether they get a phone and stuff like that, but sure, sure.
[00:26:25] Stuff like phones, like things that are gonna be every day. I think a united front makes sense, but again, there's like so much nuance. So I think without talking poorly about your spouse or your co-parent, it can be like, yeah, your dad and I are like really trying to figure this out. Like, there's not an easy answer here.
[00:26:42] Right. And this is so important for your kids. That's so good. Yeah. See, one thing I really lean into with Lindsay is anchoring your family rules in your values. And so I find that most people who are a couple, and even if they are a couple and they've since separated, they often came together because they have shared values.
[00:27:02] And so it's actually like a really bonding experience for parents because tthere areso many decisions we have to make for kids. So I think it can be hard to root them all in our values, but it's a worthwhile discussion to have with your spouse and to revisit it where you're like. What are our touchstones? What do we keep coming back to?
[00:27:21] So I know for me and my husband, and I will say I, I'm the one who framed this value, but like he is on board with it, it's like being connected to our kids. It's just so important like that. And so, even like when people talk about respect, that comes up a lot, Lindsay, by the way.
[00:27:39] Like, how do I feel disrespected by my kiddo? But for us, like the most important value is connection, and like, people feeling safe in our home, like our, you know, the kids. And, so even like in the situation, I guess like where your son pushed your daughter, I think she's probably more than fine. But like, yeah, we, okay.
[00:27:57] Lindsay: I think I was more upset about it than she was, to be honest., There was a weird sound, and I got nervous 'cause it looked like a weird fall. But she was like, I, and she honestly, she was just grateful to be in his room. Do you know what I mean?
[00:28:09] Bridget: Oh my gosh. Yeah. Right.
[00:28:10] Lindsay: So it's like a lot of stuff going on there. But yeah,
[00:28:12] Bridget: She's like, Don't mess this up, mom. He won't let me come back. I know, honestly, that was my perception. Yeah. But it's like, yeah, like we want people to be safe in their home. So it's kinda like an easy rule. Like you push your sister, you're not a bad person. Like, I know you're not a bad person, you're an awesome kid, but we need people to feel safe in the home.
[00:28:30] Like to know they're not gonna get pushed. So it's like, what can we, how can we like brainstorm this so that you either don't have your stuff, or your stuff is more protected so she doesn't grab it, or you don't get as overwhelmed, you know? And nothing's gonna go perfectly. But at least for us, that's like. Been really a good value to lean into.
[00:28:46] So other families, like time in nature, are really important. Moving your body, exercise, things like that. And so it's great because with tecrulesle, it can be like, yeah, like we're putting limits on your phone because being out in nature is really important to our family. And so that's just like our rule.
[00:29:00] Like, and that, to me at least, but tell me your opinion, like that feels so much easier than like, it's gonna rot your brain. You're making a bad decision, you're addicted. Oh my gosh. Kids do not wanna be told. I have been, I've gotten feedback, Lindsay, from my children that they do not wanna be told that they're addicted to their screens.
[00:29:18] So, but it's like so much. Easier to just be like, well, our family value is, and I often say, when you're 18, like I guess you could just be on your screen as much as you want, right? Like once you're an adult, I, but when you're in our house, it's important to us that we go out and move our bodies. And so, you know, this, that, this or that rule, you know, but so you and your spouse or your co-parent, it's so great if you can come up with just like some touchstones, and they'll, they can evolve too, but.
[00:29:47] It's not so confusing, right? Because it's always like linked back.
[00:29:50] Lindsay: And do you think that's as specific as coming to terms and agreeing on, okay, whatever your role is. Maybe it's, there's no, screen time during the week. Maybe it's, you know, I have questions about that because I feel like we cobble that together, and it's a hard, no screens before school.
[00:30:08] But then there are times that I've, you know, I'll teeter and be like, oh, but Fridays, I don't know, it's, there are so many options out there for what you do that. I think it's a lot easier if you have an expert be like, here's what you do, here's when, no screens. Yes screens. But I love, and I just wanna share that, like today on your Instagram, it's five tech check-ins with your middle schooler that need to happen this week.
[00:30:32] They want and need you in it with them. And I just think this is amazing 'cause one of your slides starts with that advice, which says just delay the phone. Maybe that's right for your family, but realistically, tech is already shaping your middle schoolers' world. This is through school, friends, siblings, etc.
[00:30:49] But it, that's such a fair point. I mean, they're using it, you know, with their Chromebooks, what have you at school, and. A lot. Look, we're in very different situations. Everyone has very different scenarios, and that's just the way it is. There are some kids who already have phones. There are some that don't.
[00:31:05] There are a lot of kids whose watches are on, some that don't. You know, and we are in an area where there is a big push to have everybody wait until a certain point, which I think is great. But that also still, the reality is just that it's never, you know, it's gonna be as much of a groundswell movement as it can be.
[00:31:25] But certainly, understandably, there are already families that are in it that have made decisions, because of older kids. And so the point being, the children are all exposed to a bunch of different things, and their friends all have different varying degrees of access to tech. So. What is your biggest takeaway from tech and middle schoolers?
[00:31:45] Bridget: Yeah. Well, and that's why I say tech as opposed to phones, because yeah, I think that we are given this, I don't know if it's misinformation, but we are told like, just delay the phone, and that's gonna like, magically solve everything. But that's just not the case. So you need, I mean, schools require Chromebooks pretty much, and then you have to like, take a picture of your homework.
[00:32:04] I mean, it's very different from when you and I went to school. Yeah. So I'm like, Hey, you just take a screenshot. And, so I think even if parents wanted to have less tech, it's limited in what they can do. So I don't give an opinion on whether you should give your kid a phone or not. And frankly, I'm not super taken with the movements to, I'm no super excited about the movements to like, delay phones.
[00:32:30] I, I, think it's, okay. Like, I think it's like. As educators, can it help the school? Like some things like that, like I think, but the conversation needs to be more nuanced. And so that's what I try to bring into this. And I will be honest, Lindsay, I'm a little contrarian sometimes, maybe it's a lawyer in me, like the arguing, but I'm just like, I don't think it's effective, to just have like a blanket rule.
[00:32:53] I think what's effective is knowing your kid, anchoring rules in your family values, and I hope that parents can breathe a sigh of relief and also like getting it wrong sometimes and course correcting. So, so for me with tech, okay, so I have my fourth middle schooler, and I haven't really said this anywhere else, but I'll just say it here.
[00:33:15] Like he doesn't have a phone. My fourth middle schooler, my older kids, some of them did have phones. My second one, I got her a phone 'cause she was in the yearbook, and she needed to be able to take pictures, and it was like, oh my gosh, like how is she gonna take pictures? Like, there was no other option.
[00:33:30] Right? So we got her phone, my, my son, and bless his heart, like, it's phones are expensive. And I'm like, dude, I think you might lose it. Like, like we, we don't really talk about how expensive phones are, and we're just like having that, right around. But that's kind of a as, much as it is with him.
[00:33:47] So my concern isn't so much like what he would see on a phone as much as like it's an expensive thing. So that's what, but I don't often say it. 'Cause I don't want people to be like, oh, Bridget doesn't let her kids have phones. I have made different decisions based on the individual, but this is what I can tell you.
[00:34:03] Like my kids, when stuff gets hard, I told you I have some teenage girls, so unfortunately, it's been harder with them sometimes with social things and group chats and stuff like that. They do come to me and my husband, they do tell us what's going on, and that is what's important. And so I think it's like, yes, if you don't have the relationship with your kid where they.
[00:34:25] Feel like they can come to you when things are hard. Which I don't know, I don't know what parent would say that or admit to it, but like, yeah, like really check in about your relationship, and also you can be honest with your kid about your concerns, which is like not, I would again, stay away from like, I think you'll get addicted.
[00:34:41] Like anything that these kids really care about how we perceive them, right? So it's like anything that sounds like, I don't trust you and blah, blah, blah, that's not so much. But if it's more about like, almost like as a parent, like I don't know if we've kind of laid the foundation for me to let you have this device that lets you, you know, kind of like anywhere online at any time.
[00:35:04] Like, I think I'm gonna need to think this through. You know, I feel like slowing things down is always a good idea. And this can be difficult. I think I work with a lot of neurodivergent people, especially in my therapy practice. Okay. That can be harder too, 'cause we've had things like rejection sensitivity coming up and Right.
[00:35:19] Which is, like, people, kiddos with a DHD. Get their feelings hurt a lot more, or they feel more ostracized if they're not part of a crowd. So, I mean, that can come into play, too, Lindsay. Like, that's why I'm like, I can't, like, I don't think it helps parents to pretend like there's a magic solution of just delaying the phone, but I know people will disagree with me, and that's okay.
[00:35:40] That's healthy debate, right?
[00:35:42] Lindsay: Well, it's, how, do you think that relates to tech? Getting the kids to want to check in with you, to want to come to you?
[00:35:50] Bridget: Yeah. Well, so I think that is the only thing that really keeps kids safe online because I am not constantly, but I will just like say to my son.
[00:36:01] So with my son, the biggest thing I've worried about is pornography. I've read about like the, yeah. Boys. I think age nine is typically when they're exposed to pornography. So I mean, I can't say like for sure that online means like, whether it's, yeah. Usually, maybe through friends, my older brothers, or friends, things like that.
[00:36:19] So that was something that kind of scared me, and I will just like check in with him point-blank. Like, Hey, like, have you seen anything like this? Maybe a month ago, we had an assassination in this country. That was a big thing to check in with my kids about. Did anyone see it? Unfortunately, one of my teenagers had.
[00:36:38] Like, so I will just be very blunt and again, sometimes I feel really silly in the way I'm asking it. Likely, my middle schoolers are not super excited for me to be like, Hey, have you seen people having sex online? Right? Like we, but at least in our family, we talk about that and we talk about like. You know, you're kind of the target, like as a young boy.
[00:37:00] Like, and people make money off of this, but those are the conversations we could have. And they're not like 20 minutes long. They're usually like a few minutes, but he can come to me when he does seem to see something weird. Like, I think one of the, from the Post today, like one of the check-ins was like, what's the weirdest thing you've seen lately?
[00:37:18] Is there anything that feels kind of off? Like, 'cause sometimes kids,, too, they're not always like judging what they see. Likewise, we would be like, That is not appropriate. But for them, they're just like, right, I just feel a little weird seeing this. And it's like, yeah, like, I'd love to know more about that.
[00:37:33] Lindsay: That's really interesting.
[00:37:35] Bridget: Lindsay, did I just dance around your question? I'm so sorry.
[00:37:37] Lindsay: With tech, no, I, no. And I think that's helpful. I, yes, I would love to know tactics too, so with the tech, I guess. You're saying it's just very individual and it's based on understanding your kid and making sure that you're checking in with them if they have that right.
[00:37:58] If they have access. It's sort of like making sure that you are connecting with them about what it is that they might or might not be seeing. Right.
[00:38:08] Bridget: Yeah. And letting them know, like if they mess up, that they can come to you. Right. So there's. So, there might be consequences.. This comes up a lot when kids sneak the phone.
[00:38:20] And I do find that the more your kid knows they can come to you and that tech is not gonna be a fight, the less they're gonna sneak the phone because, like, lying and sneaking things tends to be because they wanna avoid a fight with their parents. And I think as parents we're like, oh, 'cause they don't wanna get in trouble.
[00:38:37] But it's like, no, 'cause they don't wanna lose their connection with their parents. Like as much as we are, I'm like, oh my kids are so important to me. Like, I know this, I'm saying this without ego. Like, I am so important to my kids. Like they're they want to be close with me and my husband. And so yeah, like if you can have conversations about tech, if they can come to you and be like, I screwed up sometimes.
[00:39:00] Or like, I did sneak, I snuck the phone last night 'cause I was like, there's a group chat and it kept going and blah, bla,h blah. And it's like, you know, I don't know that we would institute a consequence for that, but it's like it. Thank you for telling me. Yes. Okay. Let's figure this out. Yeah.
[00:39:14] Lindsay: Can we talk about that for a second?
[00:39:15] The group chat. The group chat? Because for kids, I think for kids that don't have phones, one of the arguments is like, but I am, or, you know, or access to getting on a group chat. I suspect that it probably feels devastating to them not to be able to be in that conversation with their friends because a handful of friends are in there.
[00:39:33] What do you think about that? Is it imperative that they are part of a group chat? Are we hurting them by not allowing them to have whatever access it is to be a part of that?
[00:39:45] Bridget: So I don't think that we could ever say we're hurting. You're like, a parent is hurting a kid by not giving them that access to the group chat.
[00:39:53] But I think what we do need to do as parents is be really realistic about, Kind of, the consequences for our kid. And so there's gonna need to be a plan then about how they're gonna stay in touch with people, like that's a very real thing. Yeah. It's kinda like if we didn't have a corded phone, maybe when you, or I think it was cordless by the time you and I were growing up, Lindsay, but like, you know, like if we didn't,
[00:40:13] Lindsay: I may have wrapped myself around a cord once or twice, you know, in the kitchen. I,
[00:40:18] Bridget: Yeah, or like if we didn't have an answering machine or something like that. Yeah, and so, maybe it involves like they can be in some group chats, but you're gonna sit with them and like go through the chats with them, depending on how you feel. Because I will not discount how difficult group chats can be, like how much they can hurt.
[00:40:39] I totally see what people are saying. Like, when? We were going to school, we could go home and pretty much leave it behind, pretty much leave school behind. I mean, we did have phones and like courted phones and stuff. Yeah. But like these kids are coming home, and they're still being bombarded with messages.
[00:40:54] So, that's really hard for them to never get a break. And particularly if they're like the brunt of some meanness. And so I think for friendships, so we're kind of combining friendships in tech..'cause I get a lot of questions about friendships too. Yeah. And this is such a hard, tender thing for middle schoolers.
[00:41:13] And even before, you said you have a daughter, what grade is she in?
[00:41:16] Lindsay: She's in third. And, so, and you know, it doesn't feel that much different. It's just because the girls, I think anyway, are a little bit ahead with that stuff, so. Yeah.
[00:41:27] Bridget: Yeah. It can feel really tricky. So this, so I'm just gonna say one, yeah.
[00:41:31] One thing here. This is leaning into how much you like them, which is protective for them in these friendship situations. There is not gonna be a situation for any kid where they're not sometimes gonna get hurt, like get their feelings hurt, get left out of something. I don't ascribe to the adage of, just let them figure out friendships on their own.
[00:41:53] Like, I just don't think that in my experience, that has not been effective. Both what I see in my clinical practice, what I see in my family, and what I see among my community. Yeah. Like the parents who are kind of just like, let the kids figure it out. That tends to really, I'm gonna say, favor the bully, like a more bullying personality.
[00:42:12] But I think everyone knows, it's not good to be a bully. Like it's not good to be the person who iis engaginggin relational aggression. And so parents who are like, Oh, I just let 'em figure them out, they work it out themselves. Often, the more overpowering personality will engage in a lot of things that can be hurtful, and that's not good for them either.
[00:42:36] Middle schoolers need their parents to talk to them about relationships, what to do if their feelings are hurt, how you might sometimes say mean things to people, and how you can repair, like, all of these things. And so,
[00:42:48] Lindsay: What does that look like? Like, what are the, what do you suggest is really just specific examples of a conversation that you could have?
[00:42:56] Bridget: Yeah. Well, I think I would start probably with some unexpected things too, which is like, we are all mean, sometimes we are all insecure, sometimes, and maybe insecure wouldn't be quite the word to use with a young person, but starting to help them understand that. Friendships are supposed to feel good, but they don't always feel good.
[00:43:16] And so the biggest thing I want my kids to know and other middle schoolers to know is they have options and they have power in these situations. And I don't mean relational like aggressive power, but I mean power tool-like, leave the group chat power to step away. And you can also help them if they're a kid who is a little more nervous about overtly saying, 'cause sometimes there's social consequences to just being like, I'm out.
[00:43:40] Like, how can you kind of blame your parents? Or like, my mom's not letting me be on this. And it's, to me, it's a very tactical thing with my kiddos to talk about, like, what is your level? Like, how is this affecting you? Like how does this feel? And some of my kids are more sensitive to relational dynamics than others.
[00:44:00] And so really I've had to have those conversations. But I think starting with the unexpected, like I don't assume that my kids will never be mean. I think my kids are really nice kids. I love my kids. I think they're awesome, as you can tell. But like, they could definitely be mean. Sometimes they're mean to me sometimes, right?
[00:44:15] They're mean to each other sometimes. Like, yeah. And so let's just talk about what it's like to be a human in this world, and like have relationships with people and help them figure that out. But so I would say, yeah, like start with unexpected things like that. Like, or even like a time I've been mean to someone.
[00:44:32] and I'll share that with them. And then let's also give them tools where, you know, you can blame me for that. Like, you know, you can be like, my mom's gonna find, and, this kind of gets into like if they're asked to vape or if they're asked to do something, even asked to do something relationally unkind, like, oh, my mom won't be okay with that.
[00:44:49] And most kids, especially around middle school, will likely understand that, 'cause parents can be a real hassle sometimes. So they'll be like, oh, like they'll give your kid a pass. Yourr kid doesn't need to stand up to like every bit of pressure. Because like all day long, they're, I don't know, especially in middle school, like finding different classes.
[00:45:10] They have different teachers. They're dealing with so many different relationships. So let's just let them have options in that moment where, like, sometimes they might stand up and sometimes they might just get back away 'cause they're just like protecting their piece.
[00:45:21] Lindsay: Do you feel like there's, you know, advice to share with them if there's a situation that they say there's something that's being talked about on a bus that, that is not, that does not align with your family values, but maybe your child is involved in that conversation, becomes involved in that conversation.
[00:45:39] Are there suggestions and advice to put in their toolbox for how to handle that situation? Like, how do you kind of, if something is uncool that's being talked about, how do you? You know, do you address it? Do you just turn your cheek, what you know?
[00:45:55] Bridget: Absolutely. Well, and I think it's gonna be different for different kids because some kids are just a bit quieter, and that's when you can help them have tools to either like, change their seat, they could be like, oh, this is getting weird.
[00:46:08] or I guess in that situation it wouldn't quite be like, my mom's not okay with me being around this, but, you know, and then other times we're gonna want them to be like, this is like guys, like, we can't be making fun of this person. Like, this is not okay. Right. That's a very big ask of a middle schooler.
[00:46:26] And I think most of us aspire for our kids to, to stand up in that way. But we need to be realistic. Like, so we can even like, say our kids, like Yeah. Like, sometimes I feel scared to speak up too. Like, what would that look like for you? It's saying no to their friends. Yeah. Right. It's like that.
[00:46:47] Yeah. And there's such a social cost. You and I are both married. I think we both enjoy our husbands a lot. Like I have my best friend at home all the time, like, yeah. So it's like no matter what happens out in the whole wide world, I know I'm coming home to someone whom I can like and talk to.
[00:47:04] And so for me, like the social cost of standing up is not as high as it can be for our middle schoolers. But also again, Lindsay, like leaning into how much we like these kids, how we're always there for them when things are hard. That does make them a little braver out in the world, 'cause they do know, no matter what, they're coming home to someone who understands them and really likes them and kind of gives them the benefit of the doubt.
[00:47:27] but I think, you know what I love saying, like, I, I use this in therapy a lot too, but I'm like, oh, huh? Like, those little phrases that they can say, like, Oh wow, I'm surprised you said that. I say that all the time. So I tell my kids, like, you can always say to someone when they say something that is like rude or mean, be like, Oh, that surprises me that you said that.
[00:47:46] Or something like that. Right? Like, it's just like something that disrupts the conversation. Yeah. It can be helpful in those kinds of moments, 'cause it's like you don't have to engage or agree. But it's nice if you can have some phrases that kind of take you, or I'm gonna need to think about that.
[00:48:03] Yeah, but it doesn't always happen.
[00:48:05] Lindsay: That's actually, I really like that. That’s real practical advice. It's like if you envision this kind of box, one of the things is you know, that you can blame your parents, you can blame your mom. That, and then also those phrases that are like, it's not a yes, it's not a no.
[00:48:19] It's like, oh, that's surprising, or
[00:48:21] Bridget: Yeah. Well, and it's the same with tech. People are like, Oh, I just tell my kid not to do that. And I mean, I trust my kids, but I'm also like, don't provide them with any tools. Like that's what these conversations are. Yeah, 'cause we're all human. And so that's why I guess what has steady Plus connected parenting really brought to me is I just am not that scared as a parent anymore.
[00:48:44] Anymore. Like, it's been a progression, but like, literally, like even if, like I don't want my son to see pornography at all. At all. He's 12, almost 13. But if he did. Like, I'm pretty sure he will come to me and or my husband, and we will deal with it. Like, it's not going to, I don't want him to see it, but I'm also like not scared.
[00:49:07] I, I am like, we'll just deal with like he has parents who love him, who welcome that kind of conversation. And then like, we wouldn't want him to repeatedly be exposed to it at this age. So we'll talk about that, and it'll open up discussions into like sexuality and things like that. But I'm like, for a lot of things, like I'm just not, yeah, that scared or like vaping is a thing for me that I really don't want my kids to engage in.
[00:49:31] I mean a lot, right? Like we all feel like that. But like, yeah, there are certain things. I don't want my kids to get bullied. I want them to have friends. I want them to enjoy, but I'm concerned if they get their feelings hurt by their friends. 'cause I know I don't want it to happen, but I know that they have a really safe home to come to and us to talk to.
[00:49:50] And that again, like, if we're lucky, life is long. And so we've got a lot of runway, and what happens to our kids today? It's not their story forever. Like it's, I don't know, it's just, so if they're, if they have a home where they can come and feel safe and like people like them and they can talk to people, like, that's so protective.
[00:50:12] and I think they're gonna be happy and fine and have a really great life. So
[00:50:19] Lindsay: if there are people that are hearing your thoughts and are sort of starting from scratch and say, okay, I hear this, I really wanna do this, how would you suggest that they start, just with the notion of trying to get the kids to want to be open with them, you know, want to be comfortable coming to you while also like helping them, you know, maintaining the discipline when you need to, but that comfort scenario.
[00:50:42] And, are there times that you really suggest connecting with a child and having these conversations? Like, are they private conversations? Are they, when you're in transit?
[00:50:54] Bridget: Yeah. I love that, Lindsay, and I think that's the question you asked before, and I totally pivoted from it.
[00:50:59] Lindsay: No, you answered part of it, but I just thought like I just, I'm, you know,
[00:51:02] Bridget: Absolutely yes.
[00:51:04] Lindsay: A visual person.
[00:51:05] Bridget: Well, and sometimes. Sometimes, I don't like foto rget, but again, like I'm raising my fourth middle schooler right now. Yeah. Like trying to, I'm thinking about what it was like, and that's why I developed this because I kinda like reverse engineering. Yeah. Because I'm very close. My oldest is in college now.
[00:51:21] He and I, and he and my husband are very close and like, he enjoys us. He's thriving, but he alsenjoysys. So I'm just like, how did that happen? Even with all the mistakes I made, but like even with Yeah. Whatever
[00:51:34] Lindsay: The bumps in the road, whatever it is. Yeah.
[00:51:36] Bridget: So I kind of reverse-engineered that.
[00:51:38] And so, but yeah, if someone's starting from scratch, 'cause I know that there's probably parents listening who are like, I really don't have a great relationship with my kid right now. And I totally,
[00:51:46] Lindsay: and maybe it's not that they don't have a great relationship, but maybe it's just like you're still stuck in that era of, you're so used to the old school parenting when they were younger, right?
[00:51:56] Bridget: Like things are shifting and changing, so yeah. So your listeners will have to forgive me, but I'm gonna say you just really need to figure out how you are feeling in this season. Like, yeah, what is coming up for you? And you can write it down. I'm not a big journaler, but sometimes it helps to write it down, just be really honest with yourself, and then meaning,
[00:52:10] Lindsay: Hold on, standby. I need to drill down on this a little bit. Yeah. Do you mean like me, Lindsay? I'm scared that he's never gonna wanna talk to me again, and then he's off to college, and I'm just gonna feel so lonely. Yeah. Like, it's like that, it's like, yeah. Like what is coming up? Like I'm, right. Is it like that?
[00:52:32] Bridget: Yeah. I would say I'm, yes. Like, things, like, I'm feeling really scared. Like I said, I really worried about pornography a lot. Like I'm afraid he's gonna like. Like, watch pornography and like, not care about women's rights. Like, I don't even know. Like, okay. I feel kind of dumb around them 'cause they're so cool and I don't understand.
[00:52:53] I'm afraid that my entire life will become like, surveilling their teca, nd like I have stuff to do. Like, I find group chats super boring, Lindsay. So I'm just like, I don't even want, I kind of, that was like, almost like the start of study plus connected parenting, 'cause I was like, I just am, I have too much to do.
[00:53:09] I don't wanna be reading their group chat.
[00:53:11] Lindsay: Well, I find that also, and I don't know how this. Plays into what we're talking about with our kids. But I get high anxiety sometimes from group chats, and it's because, I mean, my husband would joke and tell you that it takes me forever to respond to an email.
[00:53:24] And I will say what that is, if I get a certain amount of emails from the same thread that come through, I feel so buried sometimes, and I'm like, I don't even know where to start. Where was the beginning? I miss this. Likewise, I have a fear and an anxiety around missing stuff because you've got so much that you're kind of trying to wrangle in so well,
[00:53:44] Bridget: Andou said you're an empath, so I think you're like, I want people to know I see that
[00:53:48] Lindsay: I want everyone to like me, Bridget.
[00:53:49] Like that's the whole like, and I, it sucks. Like I don't, right. But then
[00:53:52] Bridget: You are very like, Lindsay, and
[00:53:54] Lindsay: What'd you say?
[00:53:55] Bridget: You're very likable, Lindsay, so I think you're probably succeeding.
[00:53:58] Lindsay: Well, you're a therapist and you're supposed to say that, but I'm just kidding. I do feel that there's, it's really interesting when you say that because yeah, I'm sure there, there's that, comes up to the surface for me when I'm trying to.
[00:54:11] Parent, like my son, my daughter too, like, but with my son, I'll tell you, if on occasion I'm with him after school, if I'm picking him up, I will find myself thinking, okay, I know what I really wanna do is be like, tell me everything about your day. How was your day? I know that's not gonna get the response I want.
[00:54:29] So I find myself just really overthinking it and thinking about like what I should be saying to him. And that's not really working, but it does sometimes. I don't know. So, yeah, I can't even remember what my original question was, but I know that you were really onto
[00:54:43] Bridget: It. No, ask like, like are there like.
[00:54:45] Times that are more effective. I mean, I like to take a walk with my middle schooler, like we have a dog, so we'll walk with the dog sometimes. Middle schoolers really like one-on-one time, but if you have more than one kid. That can be tough. But like, I find that really effective. Definitely, car rides.
[00:55:02] running an errand, like going to get groceries or something like that. Like, just see if they want to come. And that's a great time to talk, and I find that the silly questions are really useful. So, even if this song, if there was like a song that represented today, what would it be?
[00:55:19] Or, I know, I get, we're a big music family, so I get a lot of really good music suggestions from my kids. So I let them like control the. The songs in the car. So things like that. I mean, you're a sports person, Lindsay, so I don't know if your kids play sports, but they're so lucky to have a mom who knows so much about sports.
[00:55:36] So, you know, even that kind of stuff, it can seem more surface in a way. But it's also like, as you know, I guess, as a sports reporter, like there are so many values and important life lessons that come up in sports. So I think even finding those kinds of moments where it doesn't have to be like a direct question about.
[00:55:56] The day, but it can, you can refer to something that's a little lighter, but it definitely gets the depth. That's great.
[00:56:04] Lindsay: I'm just processing, I'm just, I'm thinking in the moment as you're saying this. I love that,, and I think so, and real quick to go back to the part about the tech, you don't think there's any magic solution.
[00:56:15] It's not like maybe we do need to really listen and not give our kids these devices until X amount of years, but really it comes down to the understanding of your own child, being able to put that back with your family values and figure out something that's right for your family. Is that right?
[00:56:32] Bridget: Yes. Yes.
[00:56:33] I mean, and I do think consistency can be helpful. anAndo, but I really want tech to work for people's families too. So it's like in the morning. Okay, so I think your husband probably gets up really early, right? And so you're doing mornings by yourself a lot, right? Like, so I don't know.
[00:56:50] Lindsay: He goes to bed before my kids a lot.
[00:56:52] Yeah.
[00:56:52] Bridget: Yeah. So like, there might, like, gosh, I'm not gonna tell you how to run tech in your family, right? I mean, you know, I can give you helpful suggestions, but also like some people have, like both parents helping get kids ready in the morning. I think you're probably doing most of it by yourself.
[00:57:05] And so like, yeah, if they need to be on an iPad for some amount of time, that's fine. And I think being like really just like open with your kids too about like, okay, it's gonna be 15 minutes if that's what you wanna do, or something like that. And then you guys can come up with like a timer, or if that's helpful to you.
[00:57:21] But what is so detrimental, though, is if you, as the parent, are like. I am screwing this up. I'm not doing this right. Like, if you're judging yourself instead of being really compassionate with yourself, Lindsay, which, and by the way, I'm just like making all this up, but it's like, if I think about you as a person who's getting kids ready on their own, give yourself a lot of compassion.
[00:57:38] Like, this is not easy. You're a really good mom. You're doing the best you can. And like, let's figure out something that works for all of us. So it's not just about like your kids and they're growing brains and what would be best. It's like, you're important in this, too. Like, and so there needs to be, I think, some flexibility there.
[00:57:55] So
[00:57:55] Lindsay: Thank you. I have a couple of people who have written in questions that I thought were really great, and so I wanted to read one of these to start. That is what the father of two middle school girls said about how to address questions about sex.
[00:58:11] Bridget: Yeah. Oh my gosh. Well, I'm so glad that he's asking. Yes, I know. How cool is that?
[00:58:17] yeah, well, addressaway. Yes. I think that this is a great age to talk about sexuality, and the best thing about talking about sexuality and sex is that it is not just a one-time conversation. And so there's a lot of conversations to be had over the years. So what I would say is think about it like planting a seed, and you'll probably just talk for like 30 seconds the first time about it.
[00:58:43] So I don't know if they've gotten their periods yet, but I think that would be a really great place to start. So it's not surprising. Oh boy. Yeah. Yeah. Like you could approach them and ask if they have any questions about that. I'm sure if they're in middle school, they have heard about that.
[00:58:59] 'cause probably their friends have gotten their periods and so, just even like, I guess as a dad, gosh, it's usually like the moms who ask the questions, so that's very cool. So I know, I agree. Dad. I think I even like checking in and being like, Hey, like I really want to be a support for you as you're going through puberty.
[00:59:17] And they might be like, ah, dad. But it's like, oh my gosh. Like, that's so lovely, Lindsay. Right? Like, if you think about it, imagine a dad coming in and being like, Hey, like I just wanna be here for you. And I know my husband took our kids camping a lot, nd so he would go like father-daughter camping.
[00:59:32] I love it. He always packed pads for them and so he kind of, 'cause he would have them for the weekend, like. He would do that, but it's nice. My husband has European parents, so I feel like they're like a little, like, sexuality has been like a little easier for him to talk about in some ways. But yeah, it's been nice that they know, like,, or dad will go get pads if they need to.
[00:59:55] Like, it's not, but I was gonna say, dad needs to go first and be like, Hey, like, just so you know, like this is really, it's like whatever happens is normal. I don't want you to think that you always have to go to Mom. She's great, but like, what can I do here? And I love it because I feel like with dads you can be like.
[01:00:11] I'm not a dad myself, but like, really, like, yeah, like we're on the same team. Just like, I wanna be on your team here. Maybe I don't know all the answers, but like, how can I help? That kind of thing.
[01:00:22] Lindsay: Yeah. It's funny because my dad always did our grocery shopping because of his schedule.
[01:00:27] He had Fridays off,, and that's when he would go. And I, you know, I remember in high school when I would be putting on the list the things that I needed, and I was like, he never really, like, we never needed to like talk about it per se too, but just knowing that he just did it, delivered the goods, I'm like, that's.
[01:00:44] Yeah, I think it's really cool and important and helpful if you have the opportunity to have that and have a dad be involved in that way.
[01:00:51] Bridget: Yeah. Yeah. So that's so cool. Did you have one? Did you,
[01:00:54] Lindsay: One more question
[01:00:55] Bridget: Or
[01:00:55] Lindsay: Yes. The other question was, and we've talked about this basically, but how to get kids to open up and share feelings with you so that you know when something is actually going on, and you've covered that, but if you wanna, you know..
[01:01:06] Bridget: Yeah, ma, 'sit's more succinct.
[01:01:08] So I think that this, again, is gonna be a breadcrumb type thing, and I would start with talking about the more unexpected feelings that might come up. And so it doesn't mean you need to directly ask them like, Hey, have you ever felt left out in a group like that can feel really pointed, and it's really pretty tender for our kids.
[01:01:27] But say like. Something that happened to you as an adult? Like, hey, like, I mean, I am on group text as well as a mom, and so sometimes like sharing my experiences, like really normalizing what it's like to be a human in this world. And I think the more, what I see a lot with middle schoolers is they admire their parents so much, and they kind of think their parents have it all figured out.
[01:01:52] And so that is like, this is interesting, Lindsay, right? Because often, like parents, we can feel like they criticize us, but they're almost like criticizing us to see if it's okay to be different, right? Because the kids, these, our kids are different than us. So when they can't quite meet the same standard, like maybe like, I'm really good at math, I'm medium, but like say I'm really good at math and one of my kids is not good at math, and then they're like.
[01:02:17] I can only ever be good at math. Like, oh my god. You know? And so then, sure. And so I think like really helping them see the gray in the world is gonna like just, if we want to talk like a therapy-wise, like help their nervous system relax at home because. We make it look so easy for them, which is crazy 'cause you and I are both moms.
[01:02:35] Like it is not easy. Like our days are not easy. But to our kids, they're like, not that, they're like, oh, moms have, my mom has an easy life. But they're like, how do they do all that? Like, I don't know. And like here, I have all these feelings and my mom has it all figured out. So I think there's just something really helpful.
[01:02:51] And this is like that. Last pillar where I talk about like, curious relational parenting, like helping them understand,, like it's really normal to feel out of your depth sometimes to have your feelings hurt sometimes. And you do have options in those moments. So it doesn't even need to be particularly about them, but the more you normalize the humanity in your household,yeahh.
[01:03:11] More they'll share. So I'm thinking if we wanna like wrap it up and talk about your son with the push. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And he was mad at himself, and so I think that's such a ripe opportunity. I mean, you don't, you know, you'll have other opportunities too to just be like, that's, like,, really normal people are really frustrating sometimes.
[01:03:28] Like, your sister's awesome, but like she's frustrating sometimes, right? Like, yes. And so, but like, again, like we can't physically push each other in this house. Like, what are we gonna do? But it's like he can just,like, okay, so I can do something that is against even my value system, and my parents are like.
[01:03:47] We're just gonna help you figure this out. And that just is like, I think helping them relax at home in that way and a calming thing. Yeah. And then if we do get upset, and this is like a repair that, we're like, Hey buddy. Like I saw, I really reacted in a way that was bigger than I wanted it to be. This morning, I was stressed.
[01:04:07] Lindsay, I'll just give an example about getting here on time. You're on the East Coast? I'm on the West Coast, so it's a little closer to like, school time for me. Right. Drop off. So I rushed my 15-year-old to get up and stuff like that. And I was like, really, a kind of snap. No, Lindsay, that's okay.
[01:04:20] But like, just kind of like snappy with her. I mean, she has her own part in it 'cause she should have been more ready. But anyways, like, so in the car we were like a little like kind of snippy quiet with each other. Yeah. Like snippy with each other. And then I was like, for a second, I was just like, ugh, like I'm excited to meet Lindsay.
[01:04:37] Like I, you know, I was just really honest with myself in my head, I was like, I'm excited to meet Lindsay. And I didn't like to say all that to my daughter, but I was.Listenn. Yeah, I see what you mean about like, I was kind of aggressive when I came in, and I guess I just like worry about getting to things on time, but what was that like for you?
[01:04:54] And she was like, yeah, like I just felt you've thought like I was irresponsible, but like I really was getting ready, you know, and that opened it up, right? Like,
[01:05:02] Lindsay: Yeah, you know? And so, you said it's what, and you said that earlier in this conversation. What was it like for you? And what's funny is in journalism, especially sports, you know, when I was at ES pn, we did this interview workshop and the number one question was, what was that like?
[01:05:20] Oh, 'cause universally, yeah. That is, you're asking someone to describe your experience. Yeah. And that is the most connecting question, I think, that anyone can ask. And so it makes sense that it's not just in sports, but it is in life, and it's with our kids. Bridget, what is the thing that no one tells you about being a middle school parent?
[01:05:42] Bridget: We're not told how much our kids wanna be connected to us. I think what we're told is that it's gonna be hard to make these decisions. You're gonna be fighting them with tech every day, so they're gonna wanna just be with their friends all the time. And that stuff can happen. But they really love us and they really wanna be connected.
[01:06:01] And it's almost, you know, when we look at attachment science, it feels like an emergency to them when they are not connected with us. And so, gosh, like what an opportunity we have here. I just look at the middle school years, and I see so much opportunity, and that's the message that I want to get across.
[01:06:16] 'cause as parents, no one tells us this either, but like we can really love these years with our kids. We can. So our kids, they wanna be close with us. We are so important to them. They really like us and they want. To be with us even when things are hard and we can love these years. So yeah, I think that's not talked about enough, and I think that my Instagram page has grown quicker than I expected.
[01:06:40] And I think that might be the reason that parents are like, yes, this is like a safe place to land. 'cause I really am, I, often say this, Lindsay, like, I'm like, I say to my parents like, that I coach and stuff, I'm like, I'm not worried about your kids. I'm worried. Like, I know they're really well taken care of.
[01:06:58] I'm worried about you, like I'm worried about you, the parent, and being able to like, enjoy these years and, you know, parent with integrity and feel good during these years. So that's where I'm coming from, and I think it's gotten some traction because parents are like, yeah, like, yes, you're important too, as the middle school parent.
[01:07:16] Lindsay: I love that. Can you tell me how much traction you get? Can you just gimme real quick? Like, what, how, what happened? What did you see when you started sharing socially? Yeah.
[01:07:27] Bridget: So I started. In May, I had about 700 followers, and we're speaking today and I have 60,000. So it went from 700 to 60,000 since May of 2025.
[01:07:40] So, how many months is that? Not very many.
[01:07:42] Lindsay: Wait, and so what happened? Did you just decide, I wanna put some of what I have learned on Instagram?
[01:07:47] Bridget: Yeah. Well, and I was, I did, I started, and I really like, figured out the ways that I was different than other parenting advice out there. And then I love focusing just on these middle school years.
[01:07:59] I really haven't seen that so much elsewhere. And so also I've heard from a lot of people that it really works steadily, plus connected parenting. I mean, I coach people one-on-one, but I also hear from people who are just like, in, you know, following my page, and they're like, this one woman shared with me, I'll just leave you with this, Lindsay.
[01:08:16] But she was like, my daughter, I've been using, you know, some of this language. And my daughter came to me the other day and was like, I feel like we're back to being us. Mom and Anand were like Oh my gosh. That was, just like the be and she goes, Bridget, I know it was 'cause of your page. And I was like, oh my gosh.
[01:08:31] I mean, it was because of what you did, my love. But that's really special. Amazing. Yeah. And that's, this is it? 'cause like the daughter, she wants to be connected with the mom like she does, you know, our kids wanna be connected with us, but like, it just shifts a bit in middle school. And so if you can have some of this, like connecting language, you can lay the foundation for these talks.
[01:08:51] If you can be really kind to yourself as a parent, then you know, you can have like everything you've ever wanted in a relationship with your kid. So there you go. That's what no one tells you. You can have anything you've ever wanted.
[01:09:03] Lindsay: And it doesn't even look like an opportunity to have family dinner together all the time.
[01:09:09] It's just finding the times when you can connect with your child, right? I think that's. Yeah.
[01:09:16] Bridget: Yeah. So there you go. Bridgette, you're amazing.
[01:09:19] Lindsay: Thank you.
[01:09:20] Bridget: I loved coming on here. Thank you. I'd love to talk to you again.
[01:09:24] Lindsay: That would be awesome. So now, I will be putting myself into a little therapy session to figure out what I am bringing to the table when it comes to relating to my son.
[01:09:32] But, no, I just, I love that conversation for so many reasons, but I really think the idea of showing our kids that we like them, not necessarily focusing on, I love you, but I reallylike you. That was a game-changer for me to really understand, and I've seen it at work now, with my son, and I think that it makes so much sense.
[01:09:52] Before I go, I wanna give you a little levity. Maybe you two are dealing with sports in your house. Basketball's one of our favorites, so here you go. Why did the chicken run onto the basketball court? I.
[01:10:09] The referee called a foul. I love it. How can you not laugh at that? Anyway, thank you so much for listening to or watching this episode. As always, we appreciate you being here. Let me know who you would love to hear from or what things no one tells you, you would love to hear talked about.
[01:10:26] Alright, I'm Lindsay. Thanks so much. See you next time. Thanks so much for joining me. I can't wait to see you back here next week. Please don't forget, follow, and subscribe to Things No One Tells You. And of course, if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, don't forget to leave a five-star review because that's really what helps people get more.
[01:10:42] Listeners, we would love to grow this community. We are so grateful that you're a part of it. See you next time.
